August 11, 2008 [Guitar Heroes *For Amber*]

summer days.
filled with [mis]adventures.
and random videos.
summer nights
filled with guitar heroes
and late night book readings.
so many trips taken.
so many jokes made.
screaming and shouting.
"fuck the police."
laughing until stomachs ached.
poking fun at each other,
and dissing others.
role playing
and pasta making.
all while harassing bueno boys.
late night discussions
about the past,
and our lack of childhoods.
two broken girls
trying to put themselves back together.
best friends.
confidantes.
co authors.
sisters.
somehow i think we were destined
for more than what we were given.
which is why,
we were given each other.
and i couldn't think of anyone else
i'd rather give the title of
best friend
to than you.
so
Thank you.

October 2, 2008 [wanted to live forever, died trying.]

you know those people.
i know you do.
the ones that try to tell you how to be happy.
the ones that throw their happiness in your face
as though that some how proves that happiness is possible.
but to you its more like a slap in the face.
you just want to shake them.
scream at them.
tell them that no,
its not oh-fucking-kay.
that we can't all be like them
social fucking butterflies.
some of us are just catipillars.
doomed to a life of eating, sleeping, and being.
nothing more.
nothing less.
i find that the more i'm told just how great
i am.
how great i could be.
it just makes me want to yell,
"how the hell do you know.
you don't know me.
cause i don't even know myself."
i don't know.
i don't expect anyone to understand.
cause i don't understand myself.
and yet.
i feel like their happiness is being flaunted
in my face.
thrown there every chance it gets.
the life i want.
the life i crave.
being lived by someone else.
being shoved in face
like a cruel joke.
and then i feel guilty.
for thinking like that.
because i know its unintentional.
no one would do that on purpose,
would they?
no, i don't think so.
not the people i know.
that the ones i trust so fully.
so deeply.
i don't.
my make believe grows old.
my lands are empty.
and i am alone.
its not so bad.
being alone.
its just the alone part
that sucks.
so i return to my disengagment.
my little castle.
so high
that no one else can ever really get in.
i'm a fake.
a liar.
a story teller.
my greatness is a fraud.
so untrue that i can't even lie to myself anymore.
i'm not meant for more.
i'm not meant for glitter
and glam.
i'm meant for plastic
and dust.
so here i am.
laying it all out,
knowing i shouldn't.
knowing that it'll probably lead to something horrible.
i'm sorry.
i really am.
but i can't help how i feel.
i can't keep up my facade.
it takes to much out of me.
leaving me hollow.
like a shell of who i was.

April 9, 2009 [A Boy]

I want.
I want a boy who will treat me right.
A boy that will open doors for me.
A boy that will hold my hand just because he can.
A boy that calls me "My Girl".
A boy that is content with just sitting around and talking about life.
A boy that smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking.
A boy that calls me beautiful, and means it.
A boy that will sing to me, even if he can't carry a tune.
A boy that can handle my opinions but has some of his own.
A boy that will kiss the top of my head.
A boy that will reassure me when my world is falling apart.
A boy that isn't afraid to tell me I'm wrong.
A boy that will sit across the dinner table from me and make silly faces at me, just because he's cute like that.
A boy that will whisper sweet nothings to me.
A boy that will hold me at night.
A boy that can make me smile without even trying.
A boy that can just look at me and know something is off.
A boy that can have a deep conversation but be silly ten seconds later.
A boy that will stand up for not only me, but what he believes in.
A boy that knows what he wants in life, and will help me figure out what I want in mine.
A boy with beliefs.
A boy with morals.

I guess I'm asking for too much here.
Maybe no such boy exists.
But I refuse to settle for less, because I think I deserve someone like this.
Someone who can do and be all of these things.
It's really not so much to ask for.
A nice boy, with good morals and beliefs.
Not a douche who will hurt me the first chance he gets.
I need a prince in shinning armor not a village idiot in tin foil.
I guess I'll just have to keep looking.
Maybe I'll find him...one day.

June 23, 2009 [A Rambling Of Thoughts]

There’s something oddly empowering about reading a complete strangers blog. I know that sounds slightly creeperish, but hear me out. I stumbled across a blog by a person who’s name I don’t even know. It was a complete accident and I was going to click away when the title of one of his entries caught my eye, so like a good bookworm, I continued to read. What the blog was about or said is irrelevant to the blog that you are currently reading. What IS relevant is that I stumbled across something written by someone who lives states, countries, maybe even continents away and they are going through some of the same things I am. This person has similar thoughts, ideas, feelings. He leads a completely different life, in a completely different place than I do and yet...we’ve had common life experiences.

I find this thought oddly comforting. Sure I know that people in general tend to share certain life experiences but there’s a difference in knowing something and then witnessing it first had, well reading it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that the human race in general strive towards a common goal: to mean something. Humans want to mean something. To anyone and for anything. We all want to be wanted and loved. We want to be cared about and to be showed that we are cared about. We want to feel like our lives have had some kind of impact, any kind of impact; on anyone or anything. We want people to notice when we leave, we want them to be saddened by our loss. We want to know that someone will miss us when we’re gone. The human race doesn’t want to be alone. We have a common fear, dying, being alone and forgotten. Unloved and uncared for. Even the most cold hearted person on the planet wants SOMEONE to love them. So, we do whatever it takes to gain approval from other humans. We put on masks and parade around like peacocks hoping someone will notice us. Whatever it takes to be remembered. Good or bad.


just a rambling of thoughts really, like anything else i write.

Walking with A Ghost.

Sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.
I feel like I'm like 3 different people.

There's Confident Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm around my sorority sisters.
The one that dances at those parties.
The one that dresses up.
The one that walks up to people and starts conversations.
The one that has inside jokes and banter.
The girl that is sure who she is.

There's High School Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm with my friends from high school.
The girl that feels like she has to act how they expect her to.
The girl that has low self-esteem and not much confidence.
The girl that fades into the background.
The girl that they keep around for laughs or when they need to talk.
The girl that would give her right arm for any of them.
The girl that let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that isn't quite sure who she is or what she wants.

The Middle Ground Me.
The girl that is a mixture of both.
The girl that comes out around her family and a select few close friends.
The girl that has confidence but still let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that would give the shirt off her back for anyone.
The girl that loves to make people laugh but can be completely serious when need be.
The girl that walks up to people and starts conversation.
The girl that knows what she wants from her life.


I wish I could just be the middle one all the time.
I wish my friends could except the new me and not make me feel dumb for being apart of something they'll never understand.
I wish I could show pieces of the old me to my new friends and not feel like I would come off as an idiot.
I wish I could just stay in my medium and be happy.

I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought.
I wish I didn't have to please everyone, all the time.

I just wanna be me.

Dream Boy.

I dremt of him again. He was was there and I was safe. I was whole.

He's not real. I know.
He's figment of my imagination.
A boy I've never met before but somehow I love him wholeheartedly.

I've only ever experienced love in my dreams.
And it was always for him.

He's always the same.
Same smile.
Same voice.
Same everything.

And I miss him when I wake up.
Like I'm suddenly missing something.
A feeling that's with me all day.

A feeling I can't shake, no matter what.

I can't help but think maybe this boy actually exist somewhere and it's God's way of letting me know that he DOES exist and that I'll know him when I meet him. That he does have someone for me and that I'm not as alone as I like to make myself out to be.

I can't explain these dreams properly. They almost never make sense but that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that he's there and that we're together. When he grabs my hand it's like an electric shock that turns into a warmth that fills my whole body. He's smile makes my world brighter and when I'm with him I feel infinitely safe. Like not even the end of the world could touch me while I'm with him.

Until.

Until I wake up. Alone. Disappointed.
I forget his face almost instantly but he's still somehow imprinted in my mind.
I start to get the feeling that I've forgotten something.
I feel like I'm missing something.

I don't know.
It's an odd feeling that I just can't explain.


Maybe none of this makes sense but then again make it makes all the sense in the world.
All I know is that I dread waking up for these dreams.
And when I finally do I can't shake that feeling away.
No matter what I'm doing or whom I'm with.
It's like a piece is missing.
And no matter how hard I look, I might not ever find it.

But.
Maybe.
Maybe one day I will.

Something like drowning.

First you are overcome with panic.
then your mouth shoots open to call for help
but instead it makes it all happen faster
the air in your lungs replaced with water
you kick
and claw
trying to fight your way toward the world above you
but your panic holds you back
and you're stuck in place
your lungs try to get rid of the water that now consumes them
but it's too late
you start to get tired
but you keep thrashing
only not as vigorously anymore
your mind slows
and you close your eyes
hoping for some kind of miracle
and then somehow you get it
you feel hands on you
and suddenly air hits your body
and all you can do is gulp it in greedily
between harsh coughs
because your body's suddenly remembered how good it feels
to just breathe
your body is tired
and weak
and it's a chore just to keep breathing
but you do
because it feels so much better
to have the water be replaced with air
you close your eyes
and breathe it in
because somehow you made it out alive.

Personal Puppy Opinion.

I have come to the realization that I just don't like pets. Don't get me wrong, I like other people's pets. Meaning I like playing with and cuddling my friends' dogs and cats; I just don't like when I have to take care of them. Mainly puppies. Puppies are a lot of work. You have to feed them, water them, play with them, teach them tricks, cuddle them, take them for walks, teach them to go outside to do their "business", bathe them, get their shots, take them to the groomers....are you getting the picture?

Now I know what you're thinking, if she can't handle a dog she certainly couldn't handle a child. You, my dear friend, are wrong. As much as taking care of a child is sometimes not fun it is eventually rewarding. I like kids. I like watching them grow up and form personalities. I mean you're raising another human. These people will one day make something of themselves. These people will one day have children of their own. They can have conversations with you. They can cuddle you back. Sure dogs do these things on a doggie level but I, personally, just don't see the point of pets sometimes. Animals are meant to run free. [Well domestic dogs and cats aren't, they're bred specifically to be companions to humans, but you get my point.] I just don't get any enjoyment from having a dog. Sure they're cute and cuddly, but they're just not for me.

I am, by no means, an animal hater. I love animals, I'm anti-fur and all for stopping animal cruelty. I just don't think having a pet is for me.

[And for the record I know this from experience. My mom has 2 dogs, 1 puppy, 2 cats, & 7 fish. I take care of them when she's not home. Believe me I KNOW that I don't want to own any pets...ever. Unless it's a fish. I like having fish.]

Happy Birthday America.

On this day 233 years ago our founding fathers declared our Independence from the British. Do you know what I have done to celebrate that monumental event? Nothing. I have sat in my house all day watching television and reading. My family doesn't necessarily celebrate the Fourth Of July. We acknowledge that it's an important day in our history but we don't think its necessary to pollute the earth with Fireworks and none of us ever really have time to get together to have a picnic because most of my family works on the Fourth.

We used to go all out though. We had plenty of fireworks and tons of food. We were surrounded by family and we just had fun being together. I guess times were just simpler then, I'm not sure why though.

Anyway, I woke up at 11 and had breakfast with my mom which was nice. Then I spent some time lounging around with my dogs and did some laundry. I took a nap, watched some movies, played the Sims 3, and ate pizza. All and all I've had a very unproductive day. As a matter of fact this blog is probably the most I've accomplished all day.

So thank you America, for allowing me the freedom to lie around on the anniversary of your Independence. Thank you to every solider that fought to give us that freedom. Thank you to every life that has been lost for America.

God Bless America.
God Bless the World.

I'll be seeing ya.

They Get To You.

This photograph is entitled They Get To You [by Pretty-as-a-Picture on Deviant Art].
I feel as though it's rather self explanatory.

Words have more power than we give them credit for.

Left Behind.

Left Behind.
You fold his hands, you smooth his tie, you gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind and unkind to him?
Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again
Now to close his eyes, never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning,
For the fool it called a home

All things he never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had, the Saturdays you never spent
All the 'grown-up' places you never went
And all of the crying you wouldn't understand
You just let him cry, 'make a man out of him.'

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

All things he ever wished are left behind
All the things his mama did to make him mind
And how his dad had hoped he'd grow

All things he ever lived are left behind
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind
All the sadness that he'd come to know

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind
Whistles through the ghosts still left behind

This is one of my favorite songs from the musical Spring Awakening. I have a few friends who have attempted suicide. Which is probably why this song is so close to my heart. [If you're unfamiliar with the play, they sing this song at the funeral of Moritz, who commits suicide.] Luckily my friends lived and grew up but not everyone is so lucky. I pray for people who even contemplate it and I pray that have people strong enough in their lives to know what's going on. People who listen and understand. People who will get them help.

Ok I'm done being all serious for tonight.

See ya.

Imprint and Reflect.

Children are like photographs. They are imprinted with what they see and reflect it back outward. Sometimes they become spitting images of those around them but then other times they twist the reflection, turn it upside down, and become the complete opposite. It depends, like the camera used in photography, on the child doing the reflecting.

It's an odd relationship, the one between a child and it's parent(s). It starts out being completely based on co-dependency. The child, utterly new to the world, relies on their parent to teach them everything. How to eat, walk, talk, and act. Then around the age of 2 they start creating their personalities. They take ques from their parents on what is and isn't acceptable. What they can get away with and what just simply won't be tolerated. By the age of 10 they have a serious foundation for their individuality. They've developed a sense of humor and they've started learning how to take care of themselves. Most 10 year olds have responsibilities and they know what consequences are. They still rely on their parents though. They still take ques as to what they should be doing and how it should be done. By, lets say age 13, things start to change and the battle for Independence begins. For some reason by puberty humans tend to think that they know exactly what is best for them. Puberty is when the war with authority starts. We seem to think by that age we've figured the world out and how it works. We are, obviously, completely wrong in assuming this because up until this point we only know what our parents have allowed us to see. We've lived extremely sheltered lives under the wings of our parents. Now according to the child a few different things can happen. 1. They start their long pathway down self destruction. Although that pathway doesn't start fully slopping downhill until around age 15 or so, when drugs and alcohol have been introduced by the worst of one's peers.
2. They act well in school and get good grades, saving their battle for Independence for the home front. These are the kids that think they should get everything for nothing. And that a bad parent is someone who won't take them to Disney. 3. The kids that flunk in school because they decided that they don't want to try and would rather slack off and hang out with their friends. These are the ones that think that school is only for socialization. They also tend to smoke pot.
4. These are the kids that get lost in the fray. The ones that fade into the background.

Obviously I haven't covered every kid but these are the vast majority. There are a number of things that happen in these kids lives that land them into these certain groups. Like whether or not both parents were present in their lives, what tragedies have occurred in their lives, whether or not they were neglected. All of these things play massive parts in their lives and their growth as people.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule. Sometimes child who have been neglected become top students and end up with tons of friends, just so they can prove to at least themselves that they're worth something. Sometimes children who have been loved by numerous people in their lives and have never wanted for anything in their lives become drug addicts by the age of 17. Other times children who were abused become these inspiring and hopeful people who won't let that detour their course for greatness. Like I said, it all depends on the child. Their strength and resilience.

People reflect those around them, but they also have their own personalities and ideas. We can't blame everything we do on how we grew up. It's only too obvious that we control what we do and how we act. Sure our past has an effect on our futures, but so do we.

My father and brother were both arrested today and I'm just trying to explain to myself why I'm so different from them. Why I'm so different from my mother even. My family has roots so deep in drug abuse that I'm not sure how any of them have survived this long and yet I've never dreamed of touching the stuff. Neither of my parents graduated with their class from High School, yet I graduated with honors. I'm not saying their bad people. My mom has come a long way from where she was. She's grown a lot since having my younger brother and I. [My father's another story for another day.] I'm just not sure how my brother and I, who were raised exactly the same, ended up so completely different. I think it all boils down to how your brain works. Your emotional strength and how much of a drive you have.

I don't know. Now I'm just rambling. Look I'm not saying that this blog is right, or that it even makes sense. This is all just what I think. Agree with it or don't. That's up to you.

I'll be seeing ya.

Thirty.

30 Things I Want To Do Before I'm 30.

1.Visit Scotland
2.Backpack across Europe with a few close friends.
3. Write and Publish a book. [Ideally the one I'm currently working on.]
4. Meet John Green
5. Go to New York City with the soul purpose being to see numerous
Broadway Shows.
6. Go on a spur of the moment road trip.
7. Learn to play the guitar. Well.
8. Live in London, England for at least 6 months.
9. Be an extra in a movie/TV show.
10. Learn to speak fluent Spanish.
11. Become an Ordained Minister and preform a marriage ceremony for
people I love.
12. Win something.
13. Stand on the border between 2 countries.
14. Ride in a gondola in Venice
15. Celebrate New Years in Times Square.
16. See the Northern Lights.
17. Own a Hybrid.
18. Go on a Cruise.
19. Build a Bear @ Build a Bear.
20. Have a song written for, about, to or with me.
21. Go Green & become more environmentally conscious.
22. Have a massive book collection.
23. Buy a 35 mm camera.
24. Design and sell a T-Shirt.
25. Spend St. Patrick's Day in Ireland.
26. Go to Vegas.
27. Donate a nice amount of money to a charity.
28. Visit Ground Zero.
29. Ride in the London Eye.
30. Write a letter to ten people who have had a positive impact
in my life.

This of course doesn't include the part where I fall in love/get married.
But I can't really put a time line on those things, they happen when they happen.
I might add more as time goes on and I start to complete things.
Wish me luck.

I'll be seeing ya.

Introductions are overrated, but necessary.

Wow. It's been a seriously long time since I was last on here. I'm not even sure why I'm on here now. Why I suddenly think my life has somehow gotten more interesting in the last 7 months. It hasn't, if anything it's gotten less interesting. Oh well, guess we'll just see where it goes.

Like I said not much has happened in the last 7 months, not that my last blog even let you know that anything was going on to begin with. So let me start from the beginning.

My name's Victoria Kathlene and I've lived in the same small town my entire existence. I spent my entire high school career around the same people. I was good at school. I got decent grades and had an active social life. I was a serious choir nerd and had a fairly close nit group of friends. My high school was one of those schools where instead of Jocks and Cheerleaders being popular, it was our Theater kids that were looked up to. [Admittedly that may be because our sports team sucked. Meanwhile our theater department was nationally recognized for it's broadwayesque shows.] I loved high school so of course I figured I'd love College even more. I was supposed to excel and be active. I was going to write papers in the court yard and go to rallies for the 2008 elections. I was going to join a sorority and go to frat parties. I was going to have the whole College experience. I was fairly wrong.

Something happened when I went to college. My completely scheduled life, the one where I was a slave to my mother and the school bell, ceased to exist. I had this freedom I hadn't had before. Classes were optional and since I lived on campus I could socialize whenever I wanted. So, like a normal girl who had been uptight for most of her life, I wasn't the most dedicated student. I did however accomplish 2 things on my list. I joined a sorority & attended rallies, often. I made memories and have stories to tell. Like I can tell you exactly where I was when they announced that Barack Obama was President....not that it was a long time ago or anything but still that was kind of a big deal. I can also tell you exactly how to sneak unauthorized products into my school's dorms.

Anyway, long story short. [Well as short as my constant rambling will allow] I am now on academic suspension. Meaning I cannot attend my current college for at least 1 semester. I know. I did it to myself, but it still SUCKS. Also, like a normal ashamed and cowardly girl, I have yet to tell my mother. But no worries, I kind of have a plan. I'll just go to community college for a few semesters, get my grades back up and then go back to University. Pray it works out, because I dread to see what the alternative is.

Now it's summer and I've been looking for a job for 2 months now. You know what I've come up with. Nothing. Nothing's hiring, well no where I have any desire to work anyway. I know, I know beggars can't be choosers. But I REALLY don't want to work at Walmart. My sarcasm couldn't take it. Also, I'm not being completely unproductive. My best friend and I are currently [seriously attempting] to write a novel. At this point we might actually be going somewhere with it too. I'm kind of really, really, really excited about it.

Well, I think I'm going to call it a night.

I'll be seeing ya.

An old blog I found.

So, what's a better way to start out a new home for my writings than by posting one of my older blogs. Especially considering I can't think of much else to write about just now. So here goes. The original title of this blog was "A Princess of God." mainly because I'd written it after church one night in November.

Ha, sometimes realizations come at the most random times. Here I am, sitting amongst paper, pens, and post its poised to begin a paper that's due at 11am tomorrow. I'm talking to one of my best friends on facebook, contemplating an intro. I realized it then, as some random thought spun through my head, that I have such a sever abandonment issue that sometimes I'm barely functional. I often let it control me, I let it rear its ugly head, letting these negative float in and out of my consciousness. I often have these thoughts that I'm not worth anyone's time, that sooner or later they will grow bored with me and leave me for bigger and better things. I know that there are some people who will never leave. I know I can rely on my family, well the majority of them, to always be there. I know that Samantha and her family are there for me, that they are willing to beat the shit out of someone just for making me cry. I love them dearly, they're family. It took years to get that relationship though. Years to know where I stood. There are others I'm not so sure of, so naturally I test them. Test to see just how much they'll put up with before they finally get fed up. It takes a certain amount of time before I seriously decide you're with me for the long run. God, I'm sick. I'm sick for thinking its okay to do that. Thinking it's okay to play with someone like that. In all honesty I don't conciously do this, I only realize afterward how stupid I had been. So, I've decided to turn over a new leaf. God has a plan for me. I know he does. I don't need to be so clingy, I will always have Him with me no matter who comes in and out of my life. After all it was Him that brought them there in the first place and He has the power to decide when It's time for them to go. I am after all a Princess of God, I am his to mold. He will shape me into the person He wants me to be. 2009 will be my year, a year of adventure and hope. A year of new beginnings. I'm going to follow my heart and go where it takes me. I give it to God, these feelings and thoughts. Wow, I just got really preachy. I'm proud of myself. I really do feel renewed though. Church does that to me.