Walking with A Ghost.

Sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.
I feel like I'm like 3 different people.

There's Confident Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm around my sorority sisters.
The one that dances at those parties.
The one that dresses up.
The one that walks up to people and starts conversations.
The one that has inside jokes and banter.
The girl that is sure who she is.

There's High School Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm with my friends from high school.
The girl that feels like she has to act how they expect her to.
The girl that has low self-esteem and not much confidence.
The girl that fades into the background.
The girl that they keep around for laughs or when they need to talk.
The girl that would give her right arm for any of them.
The girl that let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that isn't quite sure who she is or what she wants.

The Middle Ground Me.
The girl that is a mixture of both.
The girl that comes out around her family and a select few close friends.
The girl that has confidence but still let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that would give the shirt off her back for anyone.
The girl that loves to make people laugh but can be completely serious when need be.
The girl that walks up to people and starts conversation.
The girl that knows what she wants from her life.


I wish I could just be the middle one all the time.
I wish my friends could except the new me and not make me feel dumb for being apart of something they'll never understand.
I wish I could show pieces of the old me to my new friends and not feel like I would come off as an idiot.
I wish I could just stay in my medium and be happy.

I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought.
I wish I didn't have to please everyone, all the time.

I just wanna be me.

Dream Boy.

I dremt of him again. He was was there and I was safe. I was whole.

He's not real. I know.
He's figment of my imagination.
A boy I've never met before but somehow I love him wholeheartedly.

I've only ever experienced love in my dreams.
And it was always for him.

He's always the same.
Same smile.
Same voice.
Same everything.

And I miss him when I wake up.
Like I'm suddenly missing something.
A feeling that's with me all day.

A feeling I can't shake, no matter what.

I can't help but think maybe this boy actually exist somewhere and it's God's way of letting me know that he DOES exist and that I'll know him when I meet him. That he does have someone for me and that I'm not as alone as I like to make myself out to be.

I can't explain these dreams properly. They almost never make sense but that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that he's there and that we're together. When he grabs my hand it's like an electric shock that turns into a warmth that fills my whole body. He's smile makes my world brighter and when I'm with him I feel infinitely safe. Like not even the end of the world could touch me while I'm with him.

Until.

Until I wake up. Alone. Disappointed.
I forget his face almost instantly but he's still somehow imprinted in my mind.
I start to get the feeling that I've forgotten something.
I feel like I'm missing something.

I don't know.
It's an odd feeling that I just can't explain.


Maybe none of this makes sense but then again make it makes all the sense in the world.
All I know is that I dread waking up for these dreams.
And when I finally do I can't shake that feeling away.
No matter what I'm doing or whom I'm with.
It's like a piece is missing.
And no matter how hard I look, I might not ever find it.

But.
Maybe.
Maybe one day I will.

Something like drowning.

First you are overcome with panic.
then your mouth shoots open to call for help
but instead it makes it all happen faster
the air in your lungs replaced with water
you kick
and claw
trying to fight your way toward the world above you
but your panic holds you back
and you're stuck in place
your lungs try to get rid of the water that now consumes them
but it's too late
you start to get tired
but you keep thrashing
only not as vigorously anymore
your mind slows
and you close your eyes
hoping for some kind of miracle
and then somehow you get it
you feel hands on you
and suddenly air hits your body
and all you can do is gulp it in greedily
between harsh coughs
because your body's suddenly remembered how good it feels
to just breathe
your body is tired
and weak
and it's a chore just to keep breathing
but you do
because it feels so much better
to have the water be replaced with air
you close your eyes
and breathe it in
because somehow you made it out alive.

Personal Puppy Opinion.

I have come to the realization that I just don't like pets. Don't get me wrong, I like other people's pets. Meaning I like playing with and cuddling my friends' dogs and cats; I just don't like when I have to take care of them. Mainly puppies. Puppies are a lot of work. You have to feed them, water them, play with them, teach them tricks, cuddle them, take them for walks, teach them to go outside to do their "business", bathe them, get their shots, take them to the groomers....are you getting the picture?

Now I know what you're thinking, if she can't handle a dog she certainly couldn't handle a child. You, my dear friend, are wrong. As much as taking care of a child is sometimes not fun it is eventually rewarding. I like kids. I like watching them grow up and form personalities. I mean you're raising another human. These people will one day make something of themselves. These people will one day have children of their own. They can have conversations with you. They can cuddle you back. Sure dogs do these things on a doggie level but I, personally, just don't see the point of pets sometimes. Animals are meant to run free. [Well domestic dogs and cats aren't, they're bred specifically to be companions to humans, but you get my point.] I just don't get any enjoyment from having a dog. Sure they're cute and cuddly, but they're just not for me.

I am, by no means, an animal hater. I love animals, I'm anti-fur and all for stopping animal cruelty. I just don't think having a pet is for me.

[And for the record I know this from experience. My mom has 2 dogs, 1 puppy, 2 cats, & 7 fish. I take care of them when she's not home. Believe me I KNOW that I don't want to own any pets...ever. Unless it's a fish. I like having fish.]

Happy Birthday America.

On this day 233 years ago our founding fathers declared our Independence from the British. Do you know what I have done to celebrate that monumental event? Nothing. I have sat in my house all day watching television and reading. My family doesn't necessarily celebrate the Fourth Of July. We acknowledge that it's an important day in our history but we don't think its necessary to pollute the earth with Fireworks and none of us ever really have time to get together to have a picnic because most of my family works on the Fourth.

We used to go all out though. We had plenty of fireworks and tons of food. We were surrounded by family and we just had fun being together. I guess times were just simpler then, I'm not sure why though.

Anyway, I woke up at 11 and had breakfast with my mom which was nice. Then I spent some time lounging around with my dogs and did some laundry. I took a nap, watched some movies, played the Sims 3, and ate pizza. All and all I've had a very unproductive day. As a matter of fact this blog is probably the most I've accomplished all day.

So thank you America, for allowing me the freedom to lie around on the anniversary of your Independence. Thank you to every solider that fought to give us that freedom. Thank you to every life that has been lost for America.

God Bless America.
God Bless the World.

I'll be seeing ya.

They Get To You.

This photograph is entitled They Get To You [by Pretty-as-a-Picture on Deviant Art].
I feel as though it's rather self explanatory.

Words have more power than we give them credit for.

Left Behind.

Left Behind.
You fold his hands, you smooth his tie, you gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind and unkind to him?
Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again
Now to close his eyes, never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning,
For the fool it called a home

All things he never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had, the Saturdays you never spent
All the 'grown-up' places you never went
And all of the crying you wouldn't understand
You just let him cry, 'make a man out of him.'

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

All things he ever wished are left behind
All the things his mama did to make him mind
And how his dad had hoped he'd grow

All things he ever lived are left behind
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind
All the sadness that he'd come to know

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind
Whistles through the ghosts still left behind

This is one of my favorite songs from the musical Spring Awakening. I have a few friends who have attempted suicide. Which is probably why this song is so close to my heart. [If you're unfamiliar with the play, they sing this song at the funeral of Moritz, who commits suicide.] Luckily my friends lived and grew up but not everyone is so lucky. I pray for people who even contemplate it and I pray that have people strong enough in their lives to know what's going on. People who listen and understand. People who will get them help.

Ok I'm done being all serious for tonight.

See ya.