Something like drowning.

First you are overcome with panic.
then your mouth shoots open to call for help
but instead it makes it all happen faster
the air in your lungs replaced with water
you kick
and claw
trying to fight your way toward the world above you
but your panic holds you back
and you're stuck in place
your lungs try to get rid of the water that now consumes them
but it's too late
you start to get tired
but you keep thrashing
only not as vigorously anymore
your mind slows
and you close your eyes
hoping for some kind of miracle
and then somehow you get it
you feel hands on you
and suddenly air hits your body
and all you can do is gulp it in greedily
between harsh coughs
because your body's suddenly remembered how good it feels
to just breathe
your body is tired
and weak
and it's a chore just to keep breathing
but you do
because it feels so much better
to have the water be replaced with air
you close your eyes
and breathe it in
because somehow you made it out alive.

Personal Puppy Opinion.

I have come to the realization that I just don't like pets. Don't get me wrong, I like other people's pets. Meaning I like playing with and cuddling my friends' dogs and cats; I just don't like when I have to take care of them. Mainly puppies. Puppies are a lot of work. You have to feed them, water them, play with them, teach them tricks, cuddle them, take them for walks, teach them to go outside to do their "business", bathe them, get their shots, take them to the groomers....are you getting the picture?

Now I know what you're thinking, if she can't handle a dog she certainly couldn't handle a child. You, my dear friend, are wrong. As much as taking care of a child is sometimes not fun it is eventually rewarding. I like kids. I like watching them grow up and form personalities. I mean you're raising another human. These people will one day make something of themselves. These people will one day have children of their own. They can have conversations with you. They can cuddle you back. Sure dogs do these things on a doggie level but I, personally, just don't see the point of pets sometimes. Animals are meant to run free. [Well domestic dogs and cats aren't, they're bred specifically to be companions to humans, but you get my point.] I just don't get any enjoyment from having a dog. Sure they're cute and cuddly, but they're just not for me.

I am, by no means, an animal hater. I love animals, I'm anti-fur and all for stopping animal cruelty. I just don't think having a pet is for me.

[And for the record I know this from experience. My mom has 2 dogs, 1 puppy, 2 cats, & 7 fish. I take care of them when she's not home. Believe me I KNOW that I don't want to own any pets...ever. Unless it's a fish. I like having fish.]

Happy Birthday America.

On this day 233 years ago our founding fathers declared our Independence from the British. Do you know what I have done to celebrate that monumental event? Nothing. I have sat in my house all day watching television and reading. My family doesn't necessarily celebrate the Fourth Of July. We acknowledge that it's an important day in our history but we don't think its necessary to pollute the earth with Fireworks and none of us ever really have time to get together to have a picnic because most of my family works on the Fourth.

We used to go all out though. We had plenty of fireworks and tons of food. We were surrounded by family and we just had fun being together. I guess times were just simpler then, I'm not sure why though.

Anyway, I woke up at 11 and had breakfast with my mom which was nice. Then I spent some time lounging around with my dogs and did some laundry. I took a nap, watched some movies, played the Sims 3, and ate pizza. All and all I've had a very unproductive day. As a matter of fact this blog is probably the most I've accomplished all day.

So thank you America, for allowing me the freedom to lie around on the anniversary of your Independence. Thank you to every solider that fought to give us that freedom. Thank you to every life that has been lost for America.

God Bless America.
God Bless the World.

I'll be seeing ya.

They Get To You.

This photograph is entitled They Get To You [by Pretty-as-a-Picture on Deviant Art].
I feel as though it's rather self explanatory.

Words have more power than we give them credit for.

Left Behind.

Left Behind.
You fold his hands, you smooth his tie, you gently lift his chin
Were you really so blind and unkind to him?
Can't help the itch to touch, to kiss, to hold him once again
Now to close his eyes, never open them

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning,
For the fool it called a home

All things he never did are left behind
All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind
And all his dad had hoped he'd know

The talks you never had, the Saturdays you never spent
All the 'grown-up' places you never went
And all of the crying you wouldn't understand
You just let him cry, 'make a man out of him.'

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

All things he ever wished are left behind
All the things his mama did to make him mind
And how his dad had hoped he'd grow

All things he ever lived are left behind
All the fears that ever flickered through his mind
All the sadness that he'd come to know

A shadow passed, a shadow passed, yearning, yearning
For a fool it called a home

And it whistles through the ghosts still left behind
It whistles through the ghosts still left behind
Whistles through the ghosts still left behind

This is one of my favorite songs from the musical Spring Awakening. I have a few friends who have attempted suicide. Which is probably why this song is so close to my heart. [If you're unfamiliar with the play, they sing this song at the funeral of Moritz, who commits suicide.] Luckily my friends lived and grew up but not everyone is so lucky. I pray for people who even contemplate it and I pray that have people strong enough in their lives to know what's going on. People who listen and understand. People who will get them help.

Ok I'm done being all serious for tonight.

See ya.

Imprint and Reflect.

Children are like photographs. They are imprinted with what they see and reflect it back outward. Sometimes they become spitting images of those around them but then other times they twist the reflection, turn it upside down, and become the complete opposite. It depends, like the camera used in photography, on the child doing the reflecting.

It's an odd relationship, the one between a child and it's parent(s). It starts out being completely based on co-dependency. The child, utterly new to the world, relies on their parent to teach them everything. How to eat, walk, talk, and act. Then around the age of 2 they start creating their personalities. They take ques from their parents on what is and isn't acceptable. What they can get away with and what just simply won't be tolerated. By the age of 10 they have a serious foundation for their individuality. They've developed a sense of humor and they've started learning how to take care of themselves. Most 10 year olds have responsibilities and they know what consequences are. They still rely on their parents though. They still take ques as to what they should be doing and how it should be done. By, lets say age 13, things start to change and the battle for Independence begins. For some reason by puberty humans tend to think that they know exactly what is best for them. Puberty is when the war with authority starts. We seem to think by that age we've figured the world out and how it works. We are, obviously, completely wrong in assuming this because up until this point we only know what our parents have allowed us to see. We've lived extremely sheltered lives under the wings of our parents. Now according to the child a few different things can happen. 1. They start their long pathway down self destruction. Although that pathway doesn't start fully slopping downhill until around age 15 or so, when drugs and alcohol have been introduced by the worst of one's peers.
2. They act well in school and get good grades, saving their battle for Independence for the home front. These are the kids that think they should get everything for nothing. And that a bad parent is someone who won't take them to Disney. 3. The kids that flunk in school because they decided that they don't want to try and would rather slack off and hang out with their friends. These are the ones that think that school is only for socialization. They also tend to smoke pot.
4. These are the kids that get lost in the fray. The ones that fade into the background.

Obviously I haven't covered every kid but these are the vast majority. There are a number of things that happen in these kids lives that land them into these certain groups. Like whether or not both parents were present in their lives, what tragedies have occurred in their lives, whether or not they were neglected. All of these things play massive parts in their lives and their growth as people.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule. Sometimes child who have been neglected become top students and end up with tons of friends, just so they can prove to at least themselves that they're worth something. Sometimes children who have been loved by numerous people in their lives and have never wanted for anything in their lives become drug addicts by the age of 17. Other times children who were abused become these inspiring and hopeful people who won't let that detour their course for greatness. Like I said, it all depends on the child. Their strength and resilience.

People reflect those around them, but they also have their own personalities and ideas. We can't blame everything we do on how we grew up. It's only too obvious that we control what we do and how we act. Sure our past has an effect on our futures, but so do we.

My father and brother were both arrested today and I'm just trying to explain to myself why I'm so different from them. Why I'm so different from my mother even. My family has roots so deep in drug abuse that I'm not sure how any of them have survived this long and yet I've never dreamed of touching the stuff. Neither of my parents graduated with their class from High School, yet I graduated with honors. I'm not saying their bad people. My mom has come a long way from where she was. She's grown a lot since having my younger brother and I. [My father's another story for another day.] I'm just not sure how my brother and I, who were raised exactly the same, ended up so completely different. I think it all boils down to how your brain works. Your emotional strength and how much of a drive you have.

I don't know. Now I'm just rambling. Look I'm not saying that this blog is right, or that it even makes sense. This is all just what I think. Agree with it or don't. That's up to you.

I'll be seeing ya.