August 11, 2008 [Guitar Heroes *For Amber*]

summer days.
filled with [mis]adventures.
and random videos.
summer nights
filled with guitar heroes
and late night book readings.
so many trips taken.
so many jokes made.
screaming and shouting.
"fuck the police."
laughing until stomachs ached.
poking fun at each other,
and dissing others.
role playing
and pasta making.
all while harassing bueno boys.
late night discussions
about the past,
and our lack of childhoods.
two broken girls
trying to put themselves back together.
best friends.
confidantes.
co authors.
sisters.
somehow i think we were destined
for more than what we were given.
which is why,
we were given each other.
and i couldn't think of anyone else
i'd rather give the title of
best friend
to than you.
so
Thank you.

October 2, 2008 [wanted to live forever, died trying.]

you know those people.
i know you do.
the ones that try to tell you how to be happy.
the ones that throw their happiness in your face
as though that some how proves that happiness is possible.
but to you its more like a slap in the face.
you just want to shake them.
scream at them.
tell them that no,
its not oh-fucking-kay.
that we can't all be like them
social fucking butterflies.
some of us are just catipillars.
doomed to a life of eating, sleeping, and being.
nothing more.
nothing less.
i find that the more i'm told just how great
i am.
how great i could be.
it just makes me want to yell,
"how the hell do you know.
you don't know me.
cause i don't even know myself."
i don't know.
i don't expect anyone to understand.
cause i don't understand myself.
and yet.
i feel like their happiness is being flaunted
in my face.
thrown there every chance it gets.
the life i want.
the life i crave.
being lived by someone else.
being shoved in face
like a cruel joke.
and then i feel guilty.
for thinking like that.
because i know its unintentional.
no one would do that on purpose,
would they?
no, i don't think so.
not the people i know.
that the ones i trust so fully.
so deeply.
i don't.
my make believe grows old.
my lands are empty.
and i am alone.
its not so bad.
being alone.
its just the alone part
that sucks.
so i return to my disengagment.
my little castle.
so high
that no one else can ever really get in.
i'm a fake.
a liar.
a story teller.
my greatness is a fraud.
so untrue that i can't even lie to myself anymore.
i'm not meant for more.
i'm not meant for glitter
and glam.
i'm meant for plastic
and dust.
so here i am.
laying it all out,
knowing i shouldn't.
knowing that it'll probably lead to something horrible.
i'm sorry.
i really am.
but i can't help how i feel.
i can't keep up my facade.
it takes to much out of me.
leaving me hollow.
like a shell of who i was.

April 9, 2009 [A Boy]

I want.
I want a boy who will treat me right.
A boy that will open doors for me.
A boy that will hold my hand just because he can.
A boy that calls me "My Girl".
A boy that is content with just sitting around and talking about life.
A boy that smiles at me when he thinks I'm not looking.
A boy that calls me beautiful, and means it.
A boy that will sing to me, even if he can't carry a tune.
A boy that can handle my opinions but has some of his own.
A boy that will kiss the top of my head.
A boy that will reassure me when my world is falling apart.
A boy that isn't afraid to tell me I'm wrong.
A boy that will sit across the dinner table from me and make silly faces at me, just because he's cute like that.
A boy that will whisper sweet nothings to me.
A boy that will hold me at night.
A boy that can make me smile without even trying.
A boy that can just look at me and know something is off.
A boy that can have a deep conversation but be silly ten seconds later.
A boy that will stand up for not only me, but what he believes in.
A boy that knows what he wants in life, and will help me figure out what I want in mine.
A boy with beliefs.
A boy with morals.

I guess I'm asking for too much here.
Maybe no such boy exists.
But I refuse to settle for less, because I think I deserve someone like this.
Someone who can do and be all of these things.
It's really not so much to ask for.
A nice boy, with good morals and beliefs.
Not a douche who will hurt me the first chance he gets.
I need a prince in shinning armor not a village idiot in tin foil.
I guess I'll just have to keep looking.
Maybe I'll find him...one day.

June 23, 2009 [A Rambling Of Thoughts]

There’s something oddly empowering about reading a complete strangers blog. I know that sounds slightly creeperish, but hear me out. I stumbled across a blog by a person who’s name I don’t even know. It was a complete accident and I was going to click away when the title of one of his entries caught my eye, so like a good bookworm, I continued to read. What the blog was about or said is irrelevant to the blog that you are currently reading. What IS relevant is that I stumbled across something written by someone who lives states, countries, maybe even continents away and they are going through some of the same things I am. This person has similar thoughts, ideas, feelings. He leads a completely different life, in a completely different place than I do and yet...we’ve had common life experiences.

I find this thought oddly comforting. Sure I know that people in general tend to share certain life experiences but there’s a difference in knowing something and then witnessing it first had, well reading it anyway.

I’ve come to realize that the human race in general strive towards a common goal: to mean something. Humans want to mean something. To anyone and for anything. We all want to be wanted and loved. We want to be cared about and to be showed that we are cared about. We want to feel like our lives have had some kind of impact, any kind of impact; on anyone or anything. We want people to notice when we leave, we want them to be saddened by our loss. We want to know that someone will miss us when we’re gone. The human race doesn’t want to be alone. We have a common fear, dying, being alone and forgotten. Unloved and uncared for. Even the most cold hearted person on the planet wants SOMEONE to love them. So, we do whatever it takes to gain approval from other humans. We put on masks and parade around like peacocks hoping someone will notice us. Whatever it takes to be remembered. Good or bad.


just a rambling of thoughts really, like anything else i write.

Walking with A Ghost.

Sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.
I feel like I'm like 3 different people.

There's Confident Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm around my sorority sisters.
The one that dances at those parties.
The one that dresses up.
The one that walks up to people and starts conversations.
The one that has inside jokes and banter.
The girl that is sure who she is.

There's High School Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm with my friends from high school.
The girl that feels like she has to act how they expect her to.
The girl that has low self-esteem and not much confidence.
The girl that fades into the background.
The girl that they keep around for laughs or when they need to talk.
The girl that would give her right arm for any of them.
The girl that let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that isn't quite sure who she is or what she wants.

The Middle Ground Me.
The girl that is a mixture of both.
The girl that comes out around her family and a select few close friends.
The girl that has confidence but still let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that would give the shirt off her back for anyone.
The girl that loves to make people laugh but can be completely serious when need be.
The girl that walks up to people and starts conversation.
The girl that knows what she wants from her life.


I wish I could just be the middle one all the time.
I wish my friends could except the new me and not make me feel dumb for being apart of something they'll never understand.
I wish I could show pieces of the old me to my new friends and not feel like I would come off as an idiot.
I wish I could just stay in my medium and be happy.

I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought.
I wish I didn't have to please everyone, all the time.

I just wanna be me.

Dream Boy.

I dremt of him again. He was was there and I was safe. I was whole.

He's not real. I know.
He's figment of my imagination.
A boy I've never met before but somehow I love him wholeheartedly.

I've only ever experienced love in my dreams.
And it was always for him.

He's always the same.
Same smile.
Same voice.
Same everything.

And I miss him when I wake up.
Like I'm suddenly missing something.
A feeling that's with me all day.

A feeling I can't shake, no matter what.

I can't help but think maybe this boy actually exist somewhere and it's God's way of letting me know that he DOES exist and that I'll know him when I meet him. That he does have someone for me and that I'm not as alone as I like to make myself out to be.

I can't explain these dreams properly. They almost never make sense but that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that he's there and that we're together. When he grabs my hand it's like an electric shock that turns into a warmth that fills my whole body. He's smile makes my world brighter and when I'm with him I feel infinitely safe. Like not even the end of the world could touch me while I'm with him.

Until.

Until I wake up. Alone. Disappointed.
I forget his face almost instantly but he's still somehow imprinted in my mind.
I start to get the feeling that I've forgotten something.
I feel like I'm missing something.

I don't know.
It's an odd feeling that I just can't explain.


Maybe none of this makes sense but then again make it makes all the sense in the world.
All I know is that I dread waking up for these dreams.
And when I finally do I can't shake that feeling away.
No matter what I'm doing or whom I'm with.
It's like a piece is missing.
And no matter how hard I look, I might not ever find it.

But.
Maybe.
Maybe one day I will.

Something like drowning.

First you are overcome with panic.
then your mouth shoots open to call for help
but instead it makes it all happen faster
the air in your lungs replaced with water
you kick
and claw
trying to fight your way toward the world above you
but your panic holds you back
and you're stuck in place
your lungs try to get rid of the water that now consumes them
but it's too late
you start to get tired
but you keep thrashing
only not as vigorously anymore
your mind slows
and you close your eyes
hoping for some kind of miracle
and then somehow you get it
you feel hands on you
and suddenly air hits your body
and all you can do is gulp it in greedily
between harsh coughs
because your body's suddenly remembered how good it feels
to just breathe
your body is tired
and weak
and it's a chore just to keep breathing
but you do
because it feels so much better
to have the water be replaced with air
you close your eyes
and breathe it in
because somehow you made it out alive.