Walking with A Ghost.

Sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I have a split personality.
I feel like I'm like 3 different people.

There's Confident Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm around my sorority sisters.
The one that dances at those parties.
The one that dresses up.
The one that walks up to people and starts conversations.
The one that has inside jokes and banter.
The girl that is sure who she is.

There's High School Me.
The girl that comes out when I'm with my friends from high school.
The girl that feels like she has to act how they expect her to.
The girl that has low self-esteem and not much confidence.
The girl that fades into the background.
The girl that they keep around for laughs or when they need to talk.
The girl that would give her right arm for any of them.
The girl that let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that isn't quite sure who she is or what she wants.

The Middle Ground Me.
The girl that is a mixture of both.
The girl that comes out around her family and a select few close friends.
The girl that has confidence but still let's people take advantage of her.
The girl that would give the shirt off her back for anyone.
The girl that loves to make people laugh but can be completely serious when need be.
The girl that walks up to people and starts conversation.
The girl that knows what she wants from her life.


I wish I could just be the middle one all the time.
I wish my friends could except the new me and not make me feel dumb for being apart of something they'll never understand.
I wish I could show pieces of the old me to my new friends and not feel like I would come off as an idiot.
I wish I could just stay in my medium and be happy.

I wish I didn't care so much about what people thought.
I wish I didn't have to please everyone, all the time.

I just wanna be me.

Dream Boy.

I dremt of him again. He was was there and I was safe. I was whole.

He's not real. I know.
He's figment of my imagination.
A boy I've never met before but somehow I love him wholeheartedly.

I've only ever experienced love in my dreams.
And it was always for him.

He's always the same.
Same smile.
Same voice.
Same everything.

And I miss him when I wake up.
Like I'm suddenly missing something.
A feeling that's with me all day.

A feeling I can't shake, no matter what.

I can't help but think maybe this boy actually exist somewhere and it's God's way of letting me know that he DOES exist and that I'll know him when I meet him. That he does have someone for me and that I'm not as alone as I like to make myself out to be.

I can't explain these dreams properly. They almost never make sense but that part doesn't matter. The part that matters is that he's there and that we're together. When he grabs my hand it's like an electric shock that turns into a warmth that fills my whole body. He's smile makes my world brighter and when I'm with him I feel infinitely safe. Like not even the end of the world could touch me while I'm with him.

Until.

Until I wake up. Alone. Disappointed.
I forget his face almost instantly but he's still somehow imprinted in my mind.
I start to get the feeling that I've forgotten something.
I feel like I'm missing something.

I don't know.
It's an odd feeling that I just can't explain.


Maybe none of this makes sense but then again make it makes all the sense in the world.
All I know is that I dread waking up for these dreams.
And when I finally do I can't shake that feeling away.
No matter what I'm doing or whom I'm with.
It's like a piece is missing.
And no matter how hard I look, I might not ever find it.

But.
Maybe.
Maybe one day I will.