October 2, 2008 [wanted to live forever, died trying.]

you know those people.
i know you do.
the ones that try to tell you how to be happy.
the ones that throw their happiness in your face
as though that some how proves that happiness is possible.
but to you its more like a slap in the face.
you just want to shake them.
scream at them.
tell them that no,
its not oh-fucking-kay.
that we can't all be like them
social fucking butterflies.
some of us are just catipillars.
doomed to a life of eating, sleeping, and being.
nothing more.
nothing less.
i find that the more i'm told just how great
i am.
how great i could be.
it just makes me want to yell,
"how the hell do you know.
you don't know me.
cause i don't even know myself."
i don't know.
i don't expect anyone to understand.
cause i don't understand myself.
and yet.
i feel like their happiness is being flaunted
in my face.
thrown there every chance it gets.
the life i want.
the life i crave.
being lived by someone else.
being shoved in face
like a cruel joke.
and then i feel guilty.
for thinking like that.
because i know its unintentional.
no one would do that on purpose,
would they?
no, i don't think so.
not the people i know.
that the ones i trust so fully.
so deeply.
i don't.
my make believe grows old.
my lands are empty.
and i am alone.
its not so bad.
being alone.
its just the alone part
that sucks.
so i return to my disengagment.
my little castle.
so high
that no one else can ever really get in.
i'm a fake.
a liar.
a story teller.
my greatness is a fraud.
so untrue that i can't even lie to myself anymore.
i'm not meant for more.
i'm not meant for glitter
and glam.
i'm meant for plastic
and dust.
so here i am.
laying it all out,
knowing i shouldn't.
knowing that it'll probably lead to something horrible.
i'm sorry.
i really am.
but i can't help how i feel.
i can't keep up my facade.
it takes to much out of me.
leaving me hollow.
like a shell of who i was.